I am still having trouble coming to grips with the death of a friend that happened recently. Not in the sense that I am overly upset, I mean, I am. It was a friend and perhaps not a close friend, but someone who I knew for many years and got to know and shared parts of our lives with one another. I guess I’m just having a hard time grasping why?

Everyone loses loved ones, but my faith or the lack there of which the case may be has been severely tested as of late and I think for the first time this death has effected me differently than losing my own parent or brother in law. It’s effected me in a way that I cannot comprehend and for me to not be able to do that is quite frustrating.

They say that god has a plan, but I have to ask myself what plan did he have for her? For her children who had to go through the loss of losing their father not so long ago and for a new born baby to never know what it’s like to have her mother hold her. I don’t understand why at that time in her life when she finally found some happiness this had to happen. I also don’t understand why I feel this way about her death, when I have myself lost closer people to me recently, why does this instance effect me so differently?

It seemed to have opened up so many questions for me and a purpose to get them answered and I guess in part the frustration if I can call it that stems from knowing where to even begin looking for those answers if the answers can even be sought.

I have written/deleted/written and deleted this post at least 4 times since I started drafting it for todays entry. So much I want to say but feel kind of stifiled and unable to say it. Perhaps when I open up too much on this public blog I don’t know who reads it and it gives me a little moment where I feel vulnerable and end up posting something stupid or a cartoon just to lighten the mood. I would love to be the type of blogger who doesn’t necessarily care what they put on their blog, but I am. I have tried not to be but certain things I will always keep private I guess and no amount of pushing myself to change that will actually change it.

It’s my late moms birthday today and I guess I’m just feeling a little down and over thinking about things. Not to mention it will be the first year that I won’t be celebrating not only my moms birthday with any of my family, but I won’t have any of my family around for July 4th either and it kind of puts me in a sombre mood.

Many families will be celebrating and having fun and all I can do is reflect on previous years when people who have now passed were here to celebrate and no longer can. This will be the first July 4th that my brother in law wont be making his famous grilled burgers and playing tag football with the family, or suprising my sister every year with an anniversary present that she told him not to buy her…my friend who also recently passed can’t spend the day with her newborn baby beside the pool and share anymore happy times with her kids or family…

It’s hard to come to terms with losing loved ones and friends, but I guess it’s a good thing we have memories because we can remember the good times and they can help us cope through times when we feel a little down.

It’s just hard to be living in a city full of millions of people and feeling so very alone…even when you really aren’t.

I bite.

And it’s Tuesday.

Enough said.